orphan

It was brought to my attention that I have not updated in awhile. 
The problem is, I have so much to say that I never even know where to start.
And then sometimes I worry about offending someone.  Because there's always that one person who manages to find themselves feeling offended. 

So anyways.
I'll start with this.

I'm struggling.

Justin has pointed it out, gently, a few times now, "you've started grieving".  Lately, he can't mention my parents, and I can't even speak of them.  Unless we are both prepared for me to cry.
My heart is broken.
I've read something along the lines of "when you can talk about it without crying, then you know you've moved on".  Well, I'm nowhere near that.  Maybe I'm just now grieving.  Or maybe it'll always be like this.  Maybe this is just how it's going to be.  Justin tries to help.  He pointed out, "You lost both your mom and dad in just a year and a half. And just before that we had a miscarriage." 

Maybe I was running on pure adrenaline during those years, and it's wearing off just now, and the dust is settling, and it's all started hitting me, and just now I'm starting to grieve. 
Maybe it's this maybe it's that.
who knows.

All I know is I wasn't ready for this.

I still have young children that needed their grandparents.
I still needed my parents.
I still had questions. 
I still needed their help.

I wasn't ready for this.

I still needed them sitting by me at the kids' concerts.
I still needed them there with me watching Logan play football.
I still needed them there with me watching Logan play basketball.
I still needed them.
This summer, Logan and Sam will both be starting high school football. It will be Sam's first year as a high school football player.
And I still need my parents.

DAMN IT I NEED MY PARENTS!

I wasn't ready for this!

I want to hear them be excited about Logan and Sam both playing high school football.
I want them to join me in celebrating Logan's accomplishments in sports.  He has big things happening.  I want to call my mom and tell her.  I want to take Logan over to their house and watch him tell them all he's got going on.
I want Maria and Estella to be able to go visit them and tell them all about school and their friends.
I want to hear my mom be so happy to hear Bodhi is registered for 3k in the fall.
I want to tell dad all about how well Justin is doing at his job.  Dad would be so darn proud of him.  So proud.

Random things go wrong with our house or equipment or vehicles and I want to call my dad because Justin and I don't know what to do.

I have disputes with friends or family or kids or marriage and I want to call my mom for advice.  I always called my mom for advice.  She always helped me. 

I still needed her sitting next to me at church.
I still fight tears at church.  And sometimes I don't even fight them.  Sometimes, they just fall.

When Estella went in for her little surgery, I was sitting in that waiting room, terrified.
And I Just. Wanted. My. Mom.
And then, when she got so sick for all those days afterward, I really, really, wanted my mom.  

I wasn't ready for any of this.

My children were supposed to be grown and out of high school and I was supposed to be in my 50's when my parents passed.  That was the plan.  I needed another 20 years with them.  Or at least another 15.  Even 10 would have been good.

I want to go for walks. 
I haven't gone for a walk since before mom died. 
I can't walk by that house.
And now that spring is here, the little ones are asking when we're going to start going for walks again.  I make excuses.  I don't know what to do.

Driving by their house is painful. There's many days I go by it 6-8 times a day. Because with 5 children somebody always has to be driven somewhere.
During the winter it was so difficult leaving my warm, festive, loud, decorated, happy house... and driving by my parents house... and seeing the snow-covered driveway, and seeing the stillness of that house.  The emptiness. There are no more signs of life.  Just nothingness.
And driving by at night, it looks so cold and dark.  And empty.  No more lights.  No more tv flickering through the window.
I've noticed when Justin is driving, he takes the longer way around, to avoid driving me by their house.  He tries to help. But it doesn't help. 
That was my house too. 
I want to see it, and, in a sense, keep an eye on it.  Yet it kills me to drive by it and look at it.  It's frustrating at best.
I actually made my own family home 2 minutes away from their house, and it was so perfect at the time, when Justin and I bought our house so close to mom and dad's...  anything mom and dad needed, we were there in a heartbeat.  And in return, anything we needed, mom or dad were here in a heartbeat. 
It was ideal really. 
Until my mom and dad both died.

You see, the house and farm I grew up in, spent my entire childhood, is gone. All I have is memories and some pictures.  After we moved out of that childhood house, my parents and I moved to this house.  The one that I refer to.  I spent my high school years there.  I ran there for safety when troubles arose with my husband at the time, and when I left him, and ultimately divorced him, that's where Logan, Sam, and I moved to. That's where we lived until I got back onto my feet and found my own way as a single mom. 
My home. 
Home. 
That was our house.  It was my home.  And now it's not.  It's just not.  It just sits there empty.  And there's nothing I can do about it.


Now, I know everyone eventually goes through things like this... experiencing death, losing their parents and losing their childhood homes. 
I know many people's stories are much worse and more devastating than mine.  And I know many people don't or didn't have the close relationship like the one I had with my parents, and some people simply can't relate. 
But I'm not focusing on you or them.  I'm talking about me.  This is me.  I'm opening myself up. 
I'm not comparing my story with anyone else's. 
I'm not saying my situation is worse than yours and I'm not looking for sympathy and "hugs".  And for God's sake please don't suggest I see a doctor.  I'm only writing in my blog.  I'm working through this.  I have total faith that with Jesus by my side, and Justin's patience, love, and understanding, I will find my way through this fog.  I just need some time.

I will end this by saying - if someone happens to not smile at you at the grocery store, or hasn't felt up to meeting for lunch or drinks, or hasn't texted you, or emailed you, or called you lately, perhaps it isn't necessarily about you.  Tread lightly, don't attack.  You might not know exactly what's going on.  We all have internal battles.  This is only one of mine... and there are many more that nobody knows anything about.