CONFLICTED

So, it's May.

Baby #4 is due this month and I'm not sure how to feel about it.
This has been a rough pregnancy, and hands-down the hardest.
I am just now, in the last couple of weeks, settling into it and happy to be pregnant.

And there are only 2 weeks left.

I have energy!

I am just recently able to pick up, hold, and move around and dance and PLAY with our 3 year old. We are 2 peas in a pod, she and I.
She is my little protege.

Soon she will no longer be the baby.
I grieve over that every day.

I remember when oldest daughter was born, and feeling so sad for youngest son when he came to visit us in the hospital. He suddenly seemed SO BIG. He was no longer 'the baby'.

I remember when youngest son was born, and suddenly oldest son's place as the baby was abruptly torn away, and it tore me apart.

And this is simply another facet in the cycle of life.

I want to scream, "Wait! I'm not ready for this! I'm in a good place RIGHT NOW! Let me spend more time here and focus a while longer on my husband and children!"

And I sometimes cry on the big guy's shoulder, and he assures me that these feelings will go away as soon as I'm holding baby girl in my arms.

And he reminds me that they are ALL my babies.
Forever.